Twitlight
by DhritiS
Summary: A parody of Twilight- just more funny than the other parodies. Twitlight is about a accident-prone and rather stupid girl named Montella and about how her life changes when she meets her true love, Edword. Please read and review and comment!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Dorks

My mother walked me to the airport. It was an unusually crap day in Phoenix, the sky an ugly purple, black and blue. We hurried along the busy road, me tripping up every two minutes, of course. Mom didn't want to be outside when the storm hit. Her wig was far too precious for that. Because she had lost the car keys…and the car, we had to walk about ten miles to the nearest airport. Me, being too dumb, I didn't mention that we could take the bus….

"Montella," my mom told me-for the millionth time-"You _have _to go to Dorks! I can't look after a midget like you! Your bore me! I want a good life without any kids. Especially you. I want to marry Philias and live happily ever after like in… Finding Nemo. Without you."

With that, we finally arrived at the airport. As I was checking in, I turned around to wave goodbye to mom but I found that she was missing. Being as stupid and over reactive as I usually am, I ran all over the airport looking for her. Twenty minutes later, I found her doing a celebrations dance in the middle of the airport with an old guy who sold hot dogs on the street outside. I ran away in embarrassment and fell headfirst into a bin. I climbed out and sat on the floor crying. A passer by handed me a quarter like I was a homeless person. I stuck my tongue out and chucked it back at them. It bounced off someone's butt and hit me in the eye. Oh great, my eye is bleeding.

I've always had bad luck. Ever since I was a baby, when I fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. Since then, accidents just happen, one after the other, like that time when I was ten and burnt the house down because I was trying to light a candle. Or when I killed that old man because he wanted me to help him cross the road. I didn't see the lights turn red! I was too busy concentrating on this difficult game on my DS called Pokémon. The old man died in a hospital three days later due to being run over by a truck. The kid I blamed it on was jailed for four years for manslaughter.

Apart from the accidents, I'm a pretty nice person. I'm four foot eight which is a perfectly average height for my seventeen years and I have pretty pale skin. Surprisingly I don't have a tan from living in (usually!) sunny Phoenix. I would say that I have good hair but I won't because I'm half bald. Seriously! The right half of my head is bald! No wonder I don't have a boyfriend… that's why mom forces me to wear a wig. The hair on my wig is pretty good, if that counts. I have pretty brown eyes, though one had an uncontrollable twitch and now, my other one is bleeding.

I ran all the way to the Help Counter I passed on my way into the airport. I wanted to ask them if they had any tissues for my bloody eye.

"Can I have some tissues?" I asked the ugly lady at the desk. Since the desk was taller than me, I guess she couldn't see me. She looked around, irritated.

"Over here!" I yelled, waving my arm.

"I'm sorry," She said, grinning.

"That's O.K. I-" She cut me off.

"Have you lost your mummy little girl? Do you want a lollipop?" She said all this while smiling so hard, it made your face ache just to look at her.

"I'm seventeen," I told her with a cold look.

"Oh. What the hell do you want then?" she asked me, returning my glare.

"SOME TISSUES. OR POSSIBLY A DOCTOR SINCE MY EYE IS BLEEDING. AS YOU CAN SEE." I shouted, my eye twitching excitably as I did so.

"Why are you WINKING at me?"

"I'm NOT WINKING! My eye has a twitch! I can't bloody help it! Now can I have tissues OR NOT?"

"No."

"FINE! Ugly, Pimply, Spotty, MANLADY!"

I stormed away angrily, only to trip up over someone's guitar case.

I think I broke my nose.

Damn.

I got my nose sorted out though, by a grudging doctor and I walked in the plane, thankfully blood free. Except for my shirt. And my jeans. Oh, and my hair. I suddenly felt a surge of panic. How could I leave my unloving, stupid, pea-brained mother to fend for herself? She had Philias now, but he is just as bad as she is.

It was a four hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, another hour in a small plane to Port Charlie's Angels and then an hour drive back down to a small town named Dorks. It rains a LOT here. By a lot, I mean A LOT. It was this hell hole that my mom and I escaped from when I was only a few years old, just after my two flights of stairs and through a window accident. We escaped from Barley, an egg and chip loving freak.

I haven't seen him for two years now, so I really don't know what the hell to expect. What if he was in a wheelchair? I couldn't deal with my injuries alone, so how could I now be expected to deal with a crippled, fat old man? The drive back to Dorks also scared me a little. I really didn't know what to say to my obese father.

Barley had really been mean about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely sad that I was coming to live with him for the first time. He told me that I would have to register myself into a high school and grudgingly agreed to help me look for a car.

When I landed in Port Charlie's Angels, it was already raining cats and frogs. It was unavoidable so I had already said bye- bye to the sun before I came here.

Barley was waiting for me with the same minibus he had ten years ago. He is the laziest person I know and the main reason I wanted a car of my own was because I refuse to be driven around by a fat dude wearing a hat saying "Got any egg and chips?"


	2. Chapter 2

**I just realized that I hadn't done any disclaimers or anything so I would like to mention that I don't own Twilight the book. I genuinely hate it and thought it would be fun to make a parody. If I have used the same name for my story as others have done on this website, I'm really sorry and it was not done intentionally. Please read and review!**

Chapter 2: The Journey to Dorks

Barley shook my hand when I met him, after I fell down the escalator stairs.

" Hi Tells," He said.

" Its great to see you Dad!" I smiled.

" It's ok to see you Montella," he said, frowning when he found out that I had a bag that I wanted him to carry.

" You haven't changed. Just as lazy as ever, I see," he grumbled.

I only had one bag for God's sake! Most of my Arizona clothes were too revealing for a crappy town like Dorks. Everyone probably wore paper bags around here.

"I found a good car for you, really, really cheap," he announced, smiling at me for the first time since he saw me. I walked towards the minivan. Barley had already got in and was yelling at me to hurry up and get in too.

I opened the car door for the front seat next to him but to my surprise, I saw a hairy werewolf type leg and a massive saggy stomach. Did he expect me to drive?

Sighing, I walked over to the driver's seat only to find out that Barley was sitting there already, looking at me.

"BARLEY, IF THIS IS A JOKE, IM NOT IN THE BLOODY MOOD!" I shouted, popping a vein in my head.

"What joke?" he mumbled, his mouth full of egg. "Get in the car boot."

I sighed really loudly and got in the boot with about one million egg and chip packets. Through a little crack, I could see that Barley actually needed two seats to sit down comfortably and drive. Ugh.

"Are you still a cop, Barl-Dad?" I asked him, innocently, nibbling a stray chip I found tangled in my hair.

"DON'T EAT ANY OF MY CHIPS!" Barley yelled when he heard me eating a chip.

"Geez dad, you're such a fat pig." I moaned. My stomach grumbled. "I haven't eaten for about ten hours!"

"It's about time you lost weight," he grumbled.

"The way you talk Dad, it's kinda obvious that you haven't looked in a mirror recently."

"Whatever."

"So…about my car….where did you find it?"

"Do you remember Berty Brown at Da Bush?"

Da Bush was the tiny Hogwarts reservation on the coast.

"Of course. Was that the man who used to wear a wizard's hat? Oh, and did he have a scar on his face? One shaped like….like….um..."

"An egg." Barley told me, nodding. "Yes, that's him. Good old Berty," Barley sighed. "He's in a wheelchair now…since you crippled him by dropping that chainsaw on his feet. He had to have his legs amputated."

"Oh well, it wasn't my fault the chainsaw was running when I dropped it. I saw a duck for the first time and that was exciting for a simpleton like me."

"Yes, well, he can't drive now. Because of you. Out of the kindness in his heart, he offered to sell it to you, real expensive."

"I thought you said the car came real cheap?"

"I was lying then, wasn't I?"

"Whatever. What year was it made?" I could see from the change of expression that this was the question he wanted me to ask.

"Well, since you chopped off both his feet, he didn't do any work on the engine for you- it's only a few centuries old, really."

"When did he buy it?"

"He bought it in 1784, I think."

"And did he buy it new?" I asked, inwardly groaning. A 200 year old car?

"Well, no. I think it was new way back in the 1700's, or before then," he smiled, enjoying my agony. Did cars even exist back in the 1700's?

"Bar-Dad, I don't think I can fix it if I crash it, and I'm too poor to afford to take it to a mechanic. In fact, I was hoping you had bought the car for me as a welcome home present, just like what a normal dad would do."

"NO! Who the hell do you think I am? I'm not made of money you know."

"Well, you would be a freaking multi billionaire if you stopped eating your bloody egg and chips!"

"Really, Tella, the creature runs OK. They don't build junk like that any more,"

"How expensive is expensive?"

"A few thousand bucks."

"DAD! I can't afford a car like that!"

"Well at least come and see it, you ungrateful bitch!"

"DAD!"

"What? You are a bitch!"

"Ok, Ok, I'll come and see it." This car had better be worth it.

We exchanged a few more insults on the car, which sounded stupid, and that was pretty much it for conversation. I gazed out the cracked Perspex windows in silence. It was hideous, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was brown. The trees, their trunks, the poop on the floor… Even the air filtered down a dirty brown. It was too brown- a de hydrated planet.

**Thanks for reading! The next chapter should be done by tomorrow or maybe today if you're lucky! Please, please write a review and tell me what you thought about the story.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Normal disclaimers. I do not own the original Twilight and personally, do not want to.**

Chapter 3: Tella's "Car"

Eventually, we made it to the junk yard. There, parked outside the dirty junk yard sign was my – well, new to me- tricycle? It was a faded pus yellow with flat wheels and a seat which would just about fit a small baby. To my intense surprise, I loved it. It was just like me! Yellow, ugly and completely repulsive. The ugly junk yard sign suddenly broke and fell on the tricycle, completely squishing it.

"Wow. Dad. I love it. Thanks." I told him, looking around to see if there were any other cars I could buy other than a crusty, broken tricycle. I was wondering why I couldn't hear Barley breathing like Darth Vader when I realised that he was gone. With the car. I don't even know where I am.

In the end, I bought a stupid, practical, boring truck. It was an ill looking lime green, with mould literally growing all over the seats like a green carpet. The car had big, chunky fenders and it was on of those cars I could drive into the wall when I get high on horse laxatives and get away with it. I climbed in after cleaning away the mould with a spoon I had about my person. I started up the engine and it spluttered and started spewing out the contents of a sewer onto the road.

I paid for the "car" ($13) and drove home at about 3mph using the map I found in the glove compartment which was partly burnt and was about 23 years old.

I parked my new truck beside Barley's minivan. He still lived in that old dump that he and my mum had bought back when they were both thin and married. I couldn't even see the front door because of the weeds growing outside on the lawn. That might also be because I'm so short. I stumbled around blindly, my eye twitching gaily. I tripped up over many obstacles that were hidden in the tall weeds. I fell over a broken door, a lawn mower, several egg and chip packets all clumped together, a dead postman, a dead butcher and a pitchfork, which stabbed me in the leg. I screamed in pain it speared through my foot and Barley came waddling out, thinking it was the egg and chip delivery man. When he saw it was just me, he went back inside and slammed the front door.

Gritting my teeth, I yanked out the pitchfork myself. I think that half my foot also came out, along with it. It didn't matter though. I would survive. I limped the remaining few feet and opened the front door with the keys I had in my pocket and went upstairs to my old room.

Barley had told me that I would be getting the smallest room in the house and that I would be paying rent to stay there as well. I would be getting the west bedroom that faced over the death trap/ front yard. The room was sadly familiar. It had belonged to me ever since I was a midget baby. The cracked floorboards that gave me blisters, the brown, mouldy walls, mushroomed ceiling, the green lace curtains around the smashed windows- these were all a part of my crap childhood. The only changes were that there was a baby's crib as a bed and a third hand computer which looked like someone had puked on it and then someone else had puked on that puke. The machine gun from my childhood was still there by the window. I remembered the hours of fun it had brought me and wondered if I still worked.

There was a small chamber pot at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with stinky Barley, the Egg man. And no, I am not talking about that Beatles song. There is no walrus in my sad life story.

One of the best things about Barley is that he sits in a wheelchair when he gets home because he is too lazy to move his lard ass. Or should I say egg and chippy ass. I unpacked my few clothes and put them in my wardrobe (a box that had once held a refrigerator). I love my room. I carefully picked a few mushrooms that had grown on my ceiling and decided that I would eat them for breakfast later tomorrow. I could fry them and put them on a stale piece of bread and eat them with gone-off ketchup. My favourite. That was, if I could reach the cooker.

It became dark very quickly and I lay in my crib trying not to think of tomorrow.

**And that's Chapter 3 done! A short chapter, I know, but longer ones are coming up. **

**Just to let you know:**

**Barley McBird – Charlie Swan (Bella's dad)**

**Montella McBird- Bella Swan**

**Edword Mullen- Edward Cullen**

**Berty Brown- Billy Black**

**Jackass Brown- Jacob Black**

**Carpile Mullen- Carlisle Cullen**

**Alex Mullen- Alice Cullen**

**Casper Mullen- Jasper Cullen **

**Eggmett Mullen- Emmett** **Cullen**

**Roxanne Mullen- Rosalie Cullen**

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


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